Rank-topped Fence-off?

I knew this article was going to be a fun one right when I first saw the title:

Pats' top-ranked defense takes on Steelers' top-ranked offense

...What? Does this article take place in a parallel universe where that statement is actually true, or is the guy who wrote this just really dumb.... Let's find out!

If there was a team equipped to end the Patriots' streaks, the Steelers (9-3) may fit the bill. After all, Pittsburgh ended New England's league-record 21-game winning streak -- 18 in the regular season -- on Oct. 31, 2004, when it was in the midst of winning 16 in a row. The Patriots returned the favor on Sept. 25, 2005, stopping the Steelers' streak with a come-from-behind win at Heinz Field.

At no point in this paragraph is there any evidence for why the 2007 Pittsburgh Steelers could end the Patriots' current streak. Which makes it completely irrelevant to your already stupidly titled article... But let's just say there was a stat for things like this... let's call it Moxie Gained From Previous Successes. We'll say that the Steelers' victory in 2004, since it ended a 21 game winning streak, was worth 43.847 Moxie Points. As for the Patriots, well, their victory only ended a 16-game winning streak! What losers! They only get 28.993 Moxie Points. Obviously, since this means the Steelers would have a higher Moxie Points Gained Total (MPGT), they gain a definitive edge in their game against the Patriots. And let me make it absolutely clear that any edge the Steelers may or may not gain here is definitely decided entirely by how many Moxie Points they have gained - definitely not by anything that makes sense, like by how well their defense plays, or the fact that lately Willie Parker must be dunking his mitts in grease jars before he suits up for games. That would be stupid as hell!


Even though the Steelers are heavy underdogs this time heading into Foxborough, their top-ranked defense has allowed the fewest points, total yards and passing yards in the NFL. New England is No. 1 offensively in each of those categories.

Oh! I see what you did there! You tricked us! No, wait... you just made the absolutely moronic mistake of getting the teams mixed up in the goddamned title of your article. Honestly, who would employ a writer with dyslexia? The AP would! That's who!


Facing a Ravens team that hadn't found much of an offensive pulse this season, Willis McGahee ran for 138 yards and the Patriots were trailing 24-20 when they got the ball with 3 1/2 minutes to play. Like he had done 26 previous times when tied or trailing in the fourth quarter, Tom Brady delivered a game-winning drive.

Statistical evidence in the area of "Career Comeback Wins" is proving decidedly difficult to uncover, but I've located several different sources that indicate 27 is disputably not the correct number of game-winning drives. One website listed him with 24 comeback wins at the start of the season, which is bumped up to 27 if you include Indy, Philly, and the Ravens. I also remember ESPN putting up a stat on Monday night that cited Brady as having 21 CCs (Career Comebacks), which of course would become 22 after that game ended. In retrospect, it's probably best if we just forget about how many games Brady's won in the fourth quarter and just say he's really good at it. All you do by posting a definitive number of comebacks is make yourself look stupid. Are we developing a theme here?

Though he didn't put up his typically eye-popping statistics against the Ravens, Brady is still on pace to break Peyton Manning's single-season touchdown record of 49, and has a shot to break Dan Marino's record of 5,084 yards.

Peyton Manning, 2004, through 12 games: 44 TDs
Tom Brady, 2007, through 12 games: 41 TDs

How is that "on pace"? I know he dropped 6 on Miami and could very well do that again against Miami OR the Jets, but really, Brady is currently behind the pace. He needs to pick up the pace! As for the yardage, he actually has about 20 more pass yds than Marino did through 12 games that season, so he's just barely on pace to break that record, and one thing you can say about Brady, regardless of TDs, is that he usually puts up a ton of passing yards every week.

New England's problem the last two weeks has been its defense. Though the Patriots are third in the NFL in total defense, giving up 289.4 yards per game, they allowed an average of 383.5 yards against Philadelphia and Baltimore.

Uh... no. The SuperPats' problem in the past 2 nail-biters has not in fact been their defense. It played humanly, maybe a tad worse than they have for the large part of the season, but not horrendously. The problem in these games has been a) the Patriots' special teams unit, and b) The opposing team's defense. In the last two weeks, the Patriots faced two very complex zone blitzing schemes designed by two very talented defensive co-ordinators. The defensive backs jammed Brady's receivers at the line, so his timing with them would be off, and the Ravens' players even went so far as to boldly hang off of Welker, Stallworth and Moss for much of the game - they were lucky they didn't get flagged more than 13 times. As if it wasn't bad enough that Brady had nobody to throw to, each team designed special blitz packages to use against the Patriots, packages that would confuse linemen as to who had who. This led to Brady being under more pressure than he'd faced all year, and as a result, the Patriots gave the ball to the other team (without scoring) more often than they had all year. This brings us to the other problem, special teams coverage. I can't really pinpoint what it is, but the Patriots have been getting beaten on special teams the last two weeks. Maybe they need more Moxie Points. The point is, because they had a harder time getting to their assignments and making the tackle on punts and kickoffs, the ST unit gave the Ravens' and Eagles' offense shorter fields to cover for scores. This, along with a key injury to their youngest linebacker, Rosy Colvin, contributed to their statistically weaker defensive games. The defense has played well enough to keep the Patriots in both games, especially in the 4th quarter.

Pittsburgh lost its only visit to Foxborough -- in 2002 -- since winning there on Dec. 13, 1997.

Oh! Wait! This changes everything! If we factor this game into the Moxie Gained From Previous Successes stats we analyzed earlier, we find that New England has a new Moxie Point total of 53.13. These 5 Moxie Points are sure to be a pivotal advantage in the teams' rematch come Sunday. Before I found that out, I wasn't sure who to pick. But now I know for sure: the Patriots are going to win on Sunday, because they earned more Moxie Points in the last 10 years. And you thought I would pick them because they're a good team!

Only smart people do things like that.

(Note: This article appeared on NFL.com without credit given to any one writer, so sadly, I had to blast that person anonymously. Anonymous stupid and dyslexic person out there: this one's for you.)