Super Bowl XLII: America's Idol Game

Lemme preface by saying that I'm not gonna mock this article... because it's mine, and it mocks stuff itself... so if you're reading it here, do me a favor and click the link so I get a hit, because the more hits I get, the more likely it is I'll win!

Every year Super Bowl season comes around, it's like Christmas again for overweight, middle-aged men—or remembering Saturdays back on campus.
That is to say, lots of beer and junk food will be consumed.
Or maybe that's last week, or yesterday—depends on how much beer you had and how far back you choose to recall.
Anyways, FOX is going to be showing the Super Bowl in HD. That's exciting news—the last time the NFL was involved in making the game this real was Super Bowl XXIII: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NB_D5IbcAeg
Bob Costas declared that the "single proudest moment" of his life. Probably much the same way viewers felt after surviving the onslaught that came to be known as the Super Bowl XIII Halftime show.
Speaking of halftime shows, every year audiences have the opportunity to watch some big name perform for millions of viewers. Unfortunately, ever since "wardrobe-malfunction-gate," fans have been unable to enjoy musical talent at these shows.
To be fair, I wouldn't call NSYNC and Britney Spears "football music" (or music at all). But hey, half time isn't for the the football fans' entertainment—it's for their spouses, girlfriends (or boyfriends) that don't care to have something to watch while they wait to use the bathroom, or go out to buy more beer.
This year, the NFL gave out a wish list which included stars such as Bruce Springsteen, The Eagles, and even Norah Jones. Somehow, we wound up with Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.
Heartbreakers? Maybe the Giants should see if they can borrow that if and when Eli doles out his usual pout after throwing a desicive pass right into the arms of Rodney Harrison.
Bridgestone is going to be the sponsor for this year's halftime show. Firestone petitioned mightily to sponsor the show themselves, but recent pictures of Tom Brady in a soft cast seemed to correspond with their withdrawal from consideration.
Who knew Star QBs drove Ford Explorers?
Willie Nelson is reported to be performing at a pre-game tailgate party. It's likely that this will be the first time that an entertainer fails the NFL's substance abuse policy. Oddly enough, Giants fans have been seen sending invitations to the tailgate party to the Patriots' locker-room.
It's been a running joke for a while now that whenever poor music is played, somewhere Simon Cowell is putting down the person responsible. With FOX's ties to this year's Super Bowl, we may actually get to see that happen.
Ryan Seacrest will apparently be MCing the pre-game and half-time shows. This means that millions of people will be using cell phones to attempt to vote Michael Strahan into the next round. Either that or they'll be changing the channel frequently.
As if that wasn't enough (which it is), Paula Abdul somehow managed to get free airtime for her newest music video, wherein an aging female pop singer's only means of reviving her music career is. She also is in the process of rehearsals for a half-time show with Soulja Boy.
America is currently bracing itself for the first literal representation of SuperManning that Ho. The FCC is waiting to pull the plug on all broadcast feeds while leaving all GoDaddy.com and bikini-beer commercials on-air.
For those of you that are interested in commercials, you'll be intrigued to know that presidential candidates are spending money on Super Bowl air-time. This is convenient, because I seem to remember my high school government teacher always proclaiming that Patriots vote. It seems like the politicians have identified their target audience here.
This year, companies will spend a whopping $2.7 million dollars for 30 seconds of air-time. That's too much—I say we boycott this practice.
I'm not saying we should stop watching the Super Bowl, but when commercials go on, we should listen from the adjoining room. That'll confuse those marketing department wizards.
In between mocking Ryan Seacrest, changing the channel, and drinking beer and eating chips, it turns out some guys are going to be playing football or something.

Perfect Pats!

In front of a nationally-televised audience (on more than one major broadcasting station), the Patriots made history. By defeating the New York Giants 38-35, the Patriots completed their historic run at a perfect season. Now, as Tedy Bruschi put it, "the exhibition season is over," and it's time to for the team to prove they're as hardy as the teams of dynasty years past and bring home the win that matters. For now, let's take a look at all the records the Patriots broke this season:

Team
Most TDs scored, season: 75 (prev. record: 70, 1984 Miami Dolphins)
Most points scored, season: 589 (prev. record: 556, 1998 Minnesota Vikings)
Longest reg. season streak: 19 (prev. record: 18, 2003-04 New England Patriots)
Largest point differential, season: +315 (prev. record: +284, 1999 St. Louis Rams)
Most wins, season: 16 (prev. record: 15, various teams)

Individual
Most TD passes, season: 50, Tom Brady [2007] (prev. record: 49, Peyton Manning [2004])
Most TD receptions, season: 23, Randy Moss [2007] (prev. record: 22, Jerry Rice [1987])
Most TD connections, QB-to-WR, season: 23, Tom Brady-to-Randy Moss [2007] (prev. record: 18, Dan Marino-to-Mark Clayton [1984] and Brett Favre-to-Sterling Sharpe [1994])

I was a bit surprised that Montana-to-Rice wasn't up there on the last one, but the site I found the stat on went on to explain that Rice caught only 13 of his TDs that year from Montana, 8 from Steve Young, and the last from RB Harry Sydney. Go figure.

What an amazing, belief-defying season we just witnessed.

Astonishingly bad writing!

Astonishing, according to James C. Black of Yahoo! Sports, is Michael Spurlock's kickoff return for a TD. Before we really dive into this, let's define astonishing so that we can all easily grasp the full meaning going forward.

astonishing
adjective
1.	surprising greatly; "she does an amazing amount of work"; "the dog was capable of astonishing tricks" [syn: amazing]
2.	so surprisingly impressive as to stun or overwhelm; "such an enormous response was astonishing"; "an astounding achievement"; "the amount of money required was staggering"; "suffered a staggering defeat"; "the figure inside the boucle dress was stupefying"

Are we good with that? Cool. Moving on.

Tom Brady is going to top Peyton Manning's single-season touchdown record. Brett Favre has surpassed yet another Dan Marino mark (all-time passing yards). Randy Moss is chasing Jerry Rice's 22 touchdown receptions in a season. And Adrian Peterson owns the single-game rushing record that once belonged to O.J. Simpson and Walter Payton. Yet none of those feats is more astonishing than what Michael Spurlock – who? –

Excellent question. Stop there.

accomplished Sunday.

Damnit. You blew your shot to look smart.


Honestly, you're going to tell me that, more important than all of the following:

1. The Patriots becoming the first team since 16 game seasons were implemented to have a record of 14-0, the second team ever to hold that distinction
2. The Packers' Brett Favre laying claim to yet another all-time passing record
3. The Eagles upsetting the Cowboys
4. The Jaguars beating the Steelers
5. The Browns beating the Bills in absolutely atrocious conditions, and keeping hopes alive for a playoff spot by riding on Jamal Lewis's back and Phil Dawson's leg
6. The Chargers clinching the AFC West in an offensive explosion that nearly single-handedly vaulted them back into the AFC Elite club
7. The Bucs clinching the NFC South in a blow-out
8. The Seahawks dropping one to Carolina
9. Jessica Simpson in attendance at Texas Stadium to root on Tony Romo
10. I can't believe I'm about to write this, but - The Dolphins locking in their first win of the season in OT, as the Ravens dropped their 8th in a row

is the first occasion on which a kickoff was run back for a touchdown in Tampa Bay. Not only was this more important, James C. Black, but you label it clearly as the most astonishing happening this weekend in football. Hot damn! If ever there were an example of a non-deserved wordhumping, this would be textbook.

Spurlock, literally, went where no man (wearing a Tampa Bay Buccaneers jersey) had gone before – to the end zone following an opponents' kickoff. As a result, the Bucs no longer reside next to the New York Mets (zero no-hitters) and Arizona Wildcats (no Rose Bowl appearances) in the sporting oddities hall of fame.

In the what? You mean there's actually a place where idiots keep track of dumb, completely useless crap like this? Oh wait, there's no such thing, which makes this entire paragraph dumpster material. Nobody should care this much about things like these, James C. Black.What does the "C." stand for, anyway? "Canadian"?

Tampa Bay, known more for failure – such as going 0-14 in 1976 and winless in its first 26 overall games – than success in its 32-year history, had returned 1,864 kickoffs before Spurlock broke through with its first score.

Yes, of course, the Bucs are known for how they perennially suck. Not how, since 2000, they've finished with a record over .500 4 out of 7 years, have now won the division twice, and won the Super Bowl in 2002. They're definitely associated more with those decaying statistics that a brand-new, wet-behind-the-ears team put up in its brutal first few years of existence. The Bucs are a good team, and KRs for TDs are rare enough that it doesn't surprise me they had never taken one all the way back before Sunday. What surprises me is the huge deal James "I'm a bobble-headed Canadian" Black made of the return. Most of the time, PRs/KRs for TDs need a little luck to take off. A block falls the right way, the runner squirts through a tackle that 9 times out of 10 would take him down, and all of a sudden there's nobody to beat but the kicker. It's a gambling situation, where good instincts and fast cuts can earn you a big pay-off (see: Devin Hester). The return game may not have been a very big focus of Bucs coaches' game plans in years past - maybe their Special Teams unit wasn't well-coached, or they focused more on having a pounding defense and a strong running game than trying to return a kick for a TD. Because you see, that's what smart coaches do. It's way easier to stop a team with your defense and put together a power running game than it is to actively try to return a kick for a TD (Unless you have Hester on your team). I'm of the opinion that the Bucs had no real strong feelings about this - either it would happen or it wouldn't happen. No need for any fuss.

Luckily, Black shifts his focus at this point away from Tampa Bay. Unluckily for us readers, he doesn't get any better at analyzing football and presenting his written opinion about it in a clear and coherent fashion.

Cam Cameron might have saved his job and Greg Camarillo scored the game-winner, but Jason Taylor was the hero of the day for the Miami Dolphins (1-13) as they finally captured their first victory of the season.

Emphasis mine. Never in the history of man would this sentence be logically acceptable. How does the coach of a team who lost THIRTEEN games in a row save his job by winning his first game of the entire season?! How?! Regardless of Miami's final record after this season, they need to fire Cam Cameron and beg someone with football intelligence - like Nick Saban - to come back to their sorry program. That, and actually use their draft picks intelligently. Well, there's a lot of problems with Miami. Let's not get into it. They suck. James "Canadian" Black could be their mascot, even.

Perhaps even more amazing, Brian Westbrook had enough foresight to fall down at the 1-yard line instead of going in for the sure touchdown, so the Eagles could run out the clock without giving Dallas another shot.

Things I find amazing:
-Tony Romo is dating Jessica Simpson
-Tom Brady did not throw a TD Sunday
-The Eagles beat the Cowboys
-Bill Belichick smiled as he left the field Sunday against the Jets. What the hell? Is he taking mouth viagra?
-I scored a 71 on my Italian test. Solid Ecksteinian effort there! I wrote with tons of grit!

Things I don't find amazing:
-Brian Westbrook falling down at the 1-yard line against the Cowboys
-James "Canadian" Black's explanation of the afore-mentioned falling down.

Seriously, how can you call what Westbrook did "foresight"? Yes, the Eagles were then able to run out the clock and win the game. But, we're talking about a sure touchdown! Open field to the end zone, and an 11-point lead with 2 minutes and some-odd seconds left. Even if, if the Cowboys somehow managed to drive down the field and score, there's no play in the rules of football that's worth 11 points. This means that, regardless of what Dallas would have managed to do with the ball after getting it back, their best-case scenario at winning the game would be a TD with a converted 2-point play, a successfully recovered onside kick, and then a drive down the field (with absolutely no timeouts remaining, mind you) to set up the game-tying field goal and push the game into overtime. Even if all of these ridiculously improbable things happened, James "Canadian" Black, the game would still be tied. Tied! Tied means "nobody has lost yet, please keep playing." And with the way that Cowboys offense was playing, I doubt they could've even seen the first condition to completion, let alone gone on to win in overtime. While what Westbrook did isn't wrong, per se, I'd still take the sure-fire TD any day in a situation like that.

Does Brian Billick care to reiterate that he's staying put? Ultimately, Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti might strongly believe that Billick isn't most responsible for the team's eight-game losing streak, but how could he possibly tell himself "there's absolutely no better option" without at least exploring the matter?

Unless Bill Parcells or Bill Cowher decides to un-retire (AGAIN, in Parcells' case), there won't be a better option. Billick is an accomplished coach who took his team to a Super Bowl win in 2000, and last year had them standing at 13-3 and the second seed in the AFC playoffs. He's smart, he knows how to handle his players, and he's got a good sense of what it takes to succeed in the NFL. The Ravens may not be performing to expectations this year, but they need to get younger at several positions, and I don't doubt that once that happens, they'll be a good team again. Bisciotti would be a ludicrously dumb individual if he sacked Billick after this season - almost as ludicrously dumb as James "Canadian" Black!

Nice way the Falcons have of showing Bobby Petrino they're better off without him: 5 first downs, 133 total yards and 17:01 time of possession.

The funny thing about all of this is that it seemed more like the Falcons' way of showing everyone they were better off with Petrino, regardless of how many shots they took at him after he left. Let's see if Black touches on this!

Arthur Blank should hope his team never gets this riled up at someone's departure again.

He swings! He misses! Oh man, I felt the breeze on that one. James "Canadian" Black is just one strike-out from going down as the most ludicrously dumb writebatter in basewritingball history. What's basewritingball, you ask? A game I just invented that James "Canadian" Black apparently sucks at. Go figure.

Hmm, the next section of this article is titled "Please Explain..." This sounds fun!

Why commentators can't come up with something more insightful than, "Whatever team gets off to the best start today probably has the best chance of winning," as Rich Gannon said at the open of the Ravens-Dolphins clash.

Hey, I know this one! Maybe it's because both teams looked absolutely atrocious coming into this game, one having been losing - literally - all season, and the other in the middle of bottoming out, on a 7-game losing streak since starting 4-2. The commentators weren't dicking around when they said that, Black. Seriously, whichever craptacular team started off better Sunday did have the best shot of winning that loser-fest. Surprisingly, despite leading 13-3 at the half, Baltimore dropped this one. But that Matt Stover kick in OT came ever so close to going in! Also, with that, it's official - James "Canadian" Black sucks at basewriterball more than anybody else, even gritty, scrappy, spunky, determined, hardy, resilient David Eckstein!

How Panthers wide receiver Drew Carter is supposed to "do a better job of going back for the ball" – as an announcer asked – on a slant pattern with the defender shielding him.

The thing about this is, that's what wide receivers are taught to do. Coaches teach them that. So what the announcers were saying, James, was Drew Carter needed to do a better job of doing his job. I didn't see the play in question, but I assume the ball was thrown behind Carter, in which case he most likely should have altered his route, possible only unless it was a really bad throw, or the defender is holding him - which is a penalty in the NFL.

How the Patriots so successfully turn half the players on their roster into multi-positional threats? The latest example: wide receiver Kelley Washington blocking a punt that led to the Patriots' second and final touchdown.

Now James, this is actually a very simple concept, but because I know you're a little... well... dee dee dee, I'll lay it out in steps for you.

1. Read The Blueprint. It is, or at least tries to be, for football what Moneyball is for baseball. You could learn something from it.
2. Know this: On the New England Patriots, everyone plays special teams. Everyone. None of this "stars need special treatment so don't put them on the punt coverage team" crap. Everyone plays. Except maybe Tom Brady. He's the Golden Boy.
3. Kelley Washington is listed at 6' 3" on the New England Patriots' website. That's kinda freakin' tall. Not NBA tall, but a big guy for sure. That and his freakish wingspan, along with that thing I mentioned earlier that helped the Bucs - what was it? oh yeah, luck! - probably contributed largely to him blocking Ben Graham's punt.

How the referees missed Cowboys safety Ken Hamlin leaving his feet and spearing tight end Matt Schobel, who left the game with a head injury after the first-quarter collision.

Refs botch calls. It's been happening since -14,357 B.C. and it'll keep happening for a long-ass time. It happened in the Pats-Colts game, largely to the Colts' benefit and the nation largely ignored it. It happened in the Pats-Ravens game, largely to the Pats' benefit, and the nation as a whole pounced on the refs for "giving the game to the Patriots." We wish it would stop, James, but it won't.

What Tony Dungy and defensive coordinator Ron Meeks had to be thinking as they watched the Raiders go on a 20-play, nearly 12-minute, 99-yard touchdown drive in the first half.

"Holy shit, we're making them look like the fucking New England Patriots out there!" What were you expecting?

With the ball at their own 43, why the Raiders did not bring in JaMarcus Russell so he could heave one to the end zone to end the first half.

Sure, why not - bring in the greenhorn rookie to heave a likely INT into the other team's endzone. I mean, we could score, but them Indy DBs could just as easily bust the play and return it for a quick pick 6 to end the half. Makes sense to me!

Barry Bonds' crime--being black

I find it hard to even write about something like this, as usually I just throw things in anger whenever I think about people who think like Howard Bryant.


McGwire fell sharply, from robust and hulking, a famous dad who made time for his son, to his nationally televised demise as an American icon on March 17, 2005. His tragic verbal denouement -- "I'm not here to talk about the past" -- has since defined him, even more than his own name does.

That's because he wasn't there to talk about the past. If you're not prepared to talk about something in court, you don't talk about it, because then you risk saying the wrong thing. McGwire was called into court to testify about the current situation in baseball. That's all.

Both men are in the position they are today -- Bonds perhaps facing prison, McGwire a fallen legend -- because they looked in the faces of powerful, law-enforcing, law-making bodies (never mind their millions of admirers) and did not convince the public they were telling the truth.

Again, that's not why Mark McGwire was called into court. He was not there to convince the public he didn't do steroids. Granted, others took the liberty to do so (Palmeiro of course lied about it, and Frank Thomas apparently told the truth). But did they have to do that? Not at all.

And in the years that have followed, neither has been able to "man up." McGwire ran under the back porch and hid like a child, and he's been hiding ever since.

Mark McGwire retired from the game of baseball. As a human being who is no longer a baseball player, I think he deserves the right to not have to talk to the media about what he did when he played. Some can say they think he ignores everything because he's hiding the truth. I like to think that it's because no matter what he says (and there's two choices: "I did steroids", or "I didn't do steroids"), the media is going to be in every aspect of his and his family's life for at least six months, and then every year around Hall of Fame voting time. So rather than deal with that, he exercises his right as an American to remain silent and live in peace.

Bonds bullied, went on the offensive to say he was being singled out because of his race, even though it is common knowledge in the game that Bonds is, at best, indifferent to other blacks in baseball.

A common thread exists for both men; race is a secondary, but still important, spool. McGwire did not exactly lie under oath, but he wasn't forthcoming that cold day in Washington, the day he stood under oath and verged on moral collapse, weighted by his guilt. That day, he grew as defiant as Bonds has ever been, his answers short, his tone quick and arrogant. He looked into the faces of millions of his countrymen and women and under oath refused to defend one day of hard work, or any of his 583 home runs, against steroid allegations. He refused to say that even one single moment of his career came honestly.

Why should he defend that? In a court of law, which is where he was, he is innocent until proven guilty. It is not the defense's responsibility to prove innocence. It's only their job to refute the prosecution. And McGwire was not being prosecuted. So why defend himself?

And here comes the part I can't believe...

He rejected his hero position then as much as he runs from it now. That's why, as a person of public substance, he's been finished for two-and-a-half years, having plummeted mercilessly to earth, a flaming, redheaded Sputnik, unlikely to return.

Bonds effectively dared prosecutors to take him down. He spent the past four years using his wealth, his talent and his position to buttress a defense that has gone no deeper than "because I said so." Exposing him was a challenge federal prosecutors readily accepted and one the public, tired of easy escapes by powerful people, hungrily relished.

They also are linked because they provide an unforgiving mirror for the American blemishes that do not fade. One is white, the other is black.

Wow. First of all, apparently someone really hates Mark McGwire. That first paragraph is just disdainfully poetic. Then, Barry Bonds is portrayed as the classic protagonist, daring and brave, ready to strike down those who oppose him with his blade of fury!

And one is white and one is black. Howard Bryant, the author of this, is also black. I wonder where this is going.

There are many tributaries along this river of disgrace. They range from the thought that the federal government wanted to "get" Bonds more than the rest, to the flimsy notion that neither of them ever failed an official Major League Baseball drug test and so somehow both are $100 million victims, to the idea that Bonds' blackness is the reason he has been hit the hardest, been treated more harshly than McGwire, has received the least amount of public sympathy.

None of these issues lacks merit. In fact, it is impossible to conduct a full, rounded discussion without their mention. Race plays a factor in every discussion between blacks and whites, whether it's about Friday night poker, Bonds, O.J., Michael Vick, Don Imus or McGwire. Accept this for no other reason than the country was built on a foundation of the races being split, a foundation that never has been -- and likely never will be -- properly retrofitted.

None of those issues lacks merit? I think they do plenty. I don't want to be racist, but black people: please stop thinking the government is out to get you. McGwire is not targeted like Bonds because McGwire doesn't play anymore. He also didn't break the biggest milestone in the history of milestones. He also didn't go from a scrawny, grit-filled base-stealer who would be lucky to hit 20 home runs, to all of a sudden being able to hit 73 at age 37. McGwire was always a big guy. He hit 49 home runs as a rookie (MLB record). These are reasons why Bonds is targeted. His race has NOTHING to do with it. Not one single bit.


And just for kicks, Michael Vick? He was targeted because he committed a crime. Plain and simple. Race didn't enter into it. If he were white, the government would not have said "Oh, well in that case you're allowed to kill dogs. In fact, here's a baseball bat and a kennel of puppies. Have fun."

And you even cite O.J., and I'll cite another: Ray Lewis. Two black men who got off the hook. So race clearly doesn't have any merit here.

The difference isn't that Bonds has been treated differently because he happens to be black. The difference is in how McGwire has been treated because he happens to be white, and it started with the decided lack of bloodlust to pursue him after he folded before Congress. It should be recalled that while the press has lauded the federal government for its apparent netting of Bonds, it attacked Congress for meddling with baseball that day in March two years ago -- I remember, because I was there -- even when it was McGwire who was betraying the public trust.


How does being white enter into this? He wasn't pursued as much as Bonds, and he happens to be white, so we make the conclusion that being white got him off the hook? That's so narrow-minded I want to choke myself. But instead I'm just going to keep typing words here.
Look, again...the reason McGwire wasn't chased as much as Bonds is because Bonds was still playing baseball and breaking huge astronomical records. McGwire retired from baseball 4 years prior to the hearing. Also, he didn't attack the media when the media attacked him. Bonds simply egged the media so much that he became a much bigger target. It's like poking at a bee-hive. The more you hit it, the more they want to sting you, and the more of them that do so.

There are other factors that are not insignificant. McGwire stopped playing a full three seasons before his testimony in front of Congress. He retired after the 2001 season and therefore escaped the game's new drug testing policy, as well as the harsher, more cynical treatment that awaited players in the following years. He got off the stage, while Bonds kept climbing and infuriating.


You even acknowledge the real reason why they didn't pursue McGwire. That reason is definitive and absolute. Race no longer enters into it. Accept it!!

One is the black Bonds, whose "bad Negro" defiance inspires a certain kind of basic hatred toward him, especially when combined with his enormous wealth and unwillingness to play the hero game, even for the millions of fans who pay to watch him play. Bonds knows that only he stands in the batter's box. For him, his success is not a shared experience.

The other is the white McGwire, less confrontational but equally suspect, with one special distinction: Too many fans and members of the press, especially, willfully deluded themselves with the McGwire myth, built by them because of their shared whiteness, their belief in his false purity. To turn on McGwire would be to admit he took steroids in '98, that the whole thing was a testosterone-fueled act. Unlike with Bonds, whose record-breaking years of 2001 and 2007 came long after the public had learned the joke was on them, it was too hard for them to outright reject McGwire. The legend became fact, so they printed the legend.

This could actually be a reason why people don't care as much about McGwire. This is a somewhat logical reasoning (which doesn't have anything to do with him being white). Of course, it could also be because the public saw Bonds go from tiny to enormous in the span of one or two years, and they saw McGwire hit 49 home runs as a rookie, staying relatively the same size throughout his career. They also saw McGwire break a single season home run record, only for it to be beaten by Bonds, and the original record to be beaten more than once by other players, whereas Bonds broke the biggest record ever in anything. One certainly weighs a lot more than the other. To say the breaking of Roger Maris's record was equal, or even anywhere near 756 is just ludicrous. And I don't mean that as in crazy. I mean that as in the rapper. To make such a comparison is as big a joke as listening to his music.

As whites are with McGwire, blacks want to believe in Bonds, to hold on to the different but similarly destructive myth that their shared blackness makes his problems the same as theirs. The racial prism through which the two men are viewed so differently will always say more about us as a whole than it ever could about the two of them. But on this senseless day and the days to come, when Bonds' fate is in the hands of the law and McGwire has lost the only thing worth owning -- a reputation -- they are the same man, disgracing their sport and themselves.


Poor Mark McGwire has lost everything. In losing his reputation, he no longer has the millions of dollars, a loving family, and the support of still millions of fans (even if he lost a substantial amount of them). Oh wait, he still has those. And he still has his reputation. When I think of Mark McGwire, I think of gargantuan home runs, crushing line drives, exciting All-Star Weekend festivities, and heck, I even think of Big Macs from McDonalds before I think of his refusal to talk about his past in court.

Man does it pain me to read that people actually believe race makes a difference in things like this. I'm going to go hurt things now.

Why can't we all think like this

I decided to peruse through ESPN.com for some comedy goldmines, and instead I found this. At first, when I saw it was going to talk about "system quarterbacks", I thought it would be great to pick apart. I was astounded to find out it would be great instead to post here and share with everyone for its insight.

It's not really Ivan Maisel who provides much of the insight, but rather coaches who seem to understand the game so much more than anyone in the media. Surprise!

In the past, the term has been used to diminish the inflated statistics of players who run spread offenses. Texas Tech quarterbacks have thrown for at least 4,200 yards in five consecutive seasons in coach Mike Leach's offense, yet none of them has gotten enough votes to merit serious consideration for the Heisman.

The apprehension dates back nearly 20 years. In 1989, Houston quarterback Andre Ware led the nation with 4,699 yards and 46 touchdown passes. Ware won a close Heisman vote over tailback Anthony Thompson of Indiana. But Ware's struggle in the NFL cast a shadow over the shotgun, run-and-shoot and spread quarterbacks who came after him.

The phrase "system quarterback" stuck its nose into the lexicon.

That's understandable. A player does great in college, but then does terrible in the pros, so he wasn't deserving of the Heisman, because as everyone knows, the Heisman is an award that goes to college players who then have success in the pros.

This season, when nearly all the top quarterbacks have come out of these offenses, may have taken some of the condescension out of the voice of everyone who utters the phrase.

Hooray!

"If there is a system quarterback, then we're all dumb. We should be running that system," said Oregon offensive coordinator Chip Kelly, who took over the Duck offense for this season and transformed Dixon into one of the best players in the nation. "I hear that all the time. Obviously, some guys flourish in one program. Matt Ryan [of Boston College] is not going to come in and run the spread. He's a helluva quarterback."

Finally, someone who gets it. I mean, to say "Oh, he threw for 4800 yards, but he's just a product of the system." is stupid. If that's the case, why don't more people do it? That's a lot of points. Points = offensive success.

Hawaii coach June Jones created controversy a few days ago by referring to Tebow as coming out of a system. Jones, attempting to clarify his remarks, said he had no intention of demeaning Tebow, whom he called "a great quarterback who'll probably win [another] national championship."

But Jones said Tebow is more of a system quarterback than Brennan.

"My quarterback [Brennan] has been labeled a 'system quarterback' for three years," Jones said Monday, according to a transcription on the school's Web site. "He is the best passer in college history. He is. There is no question about it. Tim Tebow is in a system. … Colt Brennan plays in an NFL passing game. You can dial it up and see that it is not a system. Tim Tebow's system is a college system."

Now, of course I loved this part of the article for reasons other than its insight and intelligent analysis of football. I happen to hate Tim Tebow and love (no homo) Colt Brennan. But it really does astound me that more people can't see this. A lot of people may read this and say "No NFL team throws the ball 95% of the time like Hawaii does!" The thing is, the plays they call are NFL plays. He runs an NFL-style passing game. The way Tim Tebow runs the offense wouldn't cut it in the NFL. Tebow runs the ball over 20 times a game. That would kill a quarterback in the NFL. Colt Brennan doesn't have to do much to adjust to the NFL. It's not hard to go to a quarterback who threw it almost all the time and say "Okay, now you're going to do the same thing, only hand it off to the running back sometimes." He's not going to look at him and turn his head, wondering what that is. He just gives it to the running back.

Auburn coach Tommy Tuberville's roots are in defense. His Tigers limited Tebow to 201 passing yards, his second-lowest total this season, and held McFadden to 43 rushing yards, his lowest total of the season. Tuberville said all quarterbacks are system quarterbacks.

"Look at Gino Torretta," said Tuberville, referring to the 1992 Heisman-winning quarterback from Miami. Tuberville coached the linebackers on that team. "He was the product of a system he ran for five years. He learned how to run it. Tebow was the old single wing quarterback. He just ran the ball and threw it. You can score 20 [rushing] touchdowns if, every time you get the ball inside the five, they call your number."

Apparently coaches are the only ones who get it. Why can't anyone else comprehend such a simple concept?

This all said, Tebow probably will win because his numbers, regardless of any system, are better. If you want to look at talent, McFadden or Brennan should win. Unfortunately, players like Michael Crabtree (WR Texas Tech) and Kevin Smith (RB Central Florida) aren't in the final group, because they deserve it more than any of the four finalists.

If the sophomore wins Saturday night, he will make history. He may also make "system quarterback" a term that can be used in polite company.

For some reason I feel that won't happen. I don't think enough people think of Tebow as a system quarterback, even though he's more of one than anyone else, as Hawaii coach pointed out. So it looks like the Heisman will continue to go to someone who is not as deserving as others. Oh well.