Astonishingly bad writing!

Astonishing, according to James C. Black of Yahoo! Sports, is Michael Spurlock's kickoff return for a TD. Before we really dive into this, let's define astonishing so that we can all easily grasp the full meaning going forward.

astonishing
adjective
1.	surprising greatly; "she does an amazing amount of work"; "the dog was capable of astonishing tricks" [syn: amazing]
2.	so surprisingly impressive as to stun or overwhelm; "such an enormous response was astonishing"; "an astounding achievement"; "the amount of money required was staggering"; "suffered a staggering defeat"; "the figure inside the boucle dress was stupefying"

Are we good with that? Cool. Moving on.

Tom Brady is going to top Peyton Manning's single-season touchdown record. Brett Favre has surpassed yet another Dan Marino mark (all-time passing yards). Randy Moss is chasing Jerry Rice's 22 touchdown receptions in a season. And Adrian Peterson owns the single-game rushing record that once belonged to O.J. Simpson and Walter Payton. Yet none of those feats is more astonishing than what Michael Spurlock – who? –

Excellent question. Stop there.

accomplished Sunday.

Damnit. You blew your shot to look smart.


Honestly, you're going to tell me that, more important than all of the following:

1. The Patriots becoming the first team since 16 game seasons were implemented to have a record of 14-0, the second team ever to hold that distinction
2. The Packers' Brett Favre laying claim to yet another all-time passing record
3. The Eagles upsetting the Cowboys
4. The Jaguars beating the Steelers
5. The Browns beating the Bills in absolutely atrocious conditions, and keeping hopes alive for a playoff spot by riding on Jamal Lewis's back and Phil Dawson's leg
6. The Chargers clinching the AFC West in an offensive explosion that nearly single-handedly vaulted them back into the AFC Elite club
7. The Bucs clinching the NFC South in a blow-out
8. The Seahawks dropping one to Carolina
9. Jessica Simpson in attendance at Texas Stadium to root on Tony Romo
10. I can't believe I'm about to write this, but - The Dolphins locking in their first win of the season in OT, as the Ravens dropped their 8th in a row

is the first occasion on which a kickoff was run back for a touchdown in Tampa Bay. Not only was this more important, James C. Black, but you label it clearly as the most astonishing happening this weekend in football. Hot damn! If ever there were an example of a non-deserved wordhumping, this would be textbook.

Spurlock, literally, went where no man (wearing a Tampa Bay Buccaneers jersey) had gone before – to the end zone following an opponents' kickoff. As a result, the Bucs no longer reside next to the New York Mets (zero no-hitters) and Arizona Wildcats (no Rose Bowl appearances) in the sporting oddities hall of fame.

In the what? You mean there's actually a place where idiots keep track of dumb, completely useless crap like this? Oh wait, there's no such thing, which makes this entire paragraph dumpster material. Nobody should care this much about things like these, James C. Black.What does the "C." stand for, anyway? "Canadian"?

Tampa Bay, known more for failure – such as going 0-14 in 1976 and winless in its first 26 overall games – than success in its 32-year history, had returned 1,864 kickoffs before Spurlock broke through with its first score.

Yes, of course, the Bucs are known for how they perennially suck. Not how, since 2000, they've finished with a record over .500 4 out of 7 years, have now won the division twice, and won the Super Bowl in 2002. They're definitely associated more with those decaying statistics that a brand-new, wet-behind-the-ears team put up in its brutal first few years of existence. The Bucs are a good team, and KRs for TDs are rare enough that it doesn't surprise me they had never taken one all the way back before Sunday. What surprises me is the huge deal James "I'm a bobble-headed Canadian" Black made of the return. Most of the time, PRs/KRs for TDs need a little luck to take off. A block falls the right way, the runner squirts through a tackle that 9 times out of 10 would take him down, and all of a sudden there's nobody to beat but the kicker. It's a gambling situation, where good instincts and fast cuts can earn you a big pay-off (see: Devin Hester). The return game may not have been a very big focus of Bucs coaches' game plans in years past - maybe their Special Teams unit wasn't well-coached, or they focused more on having a pounding defense and a strong running game than trying to return a kick for a TD. Because you see, that's what smart coaches do. It's way easier to stop a team with your defense and put together a power running game than it is to actively try to return a kick for a TD (Unless you have Hester on your team). I'm of the opinion that the Bucs had no real strong feelings about this - either it would happen or it wouldn't happen. No need for any fuss.

Luckily, Black shifts his focus at this point away from Tampa Bay. Unluckily for us readers, he doesn't get any better at analyzing football and presenting his written opinion about it in a clear and coherent fashion.

Cam Cameron might have saved his job and Greg Camarillo scored the game-winner, but Jason Taylor was the hero of the day for the Miami Dolphins (1-13) as they finally captured their first victory of the season.

Emphasis mine. Never in the history of man would this sentence be logically acceptable. How does the coach of a team who lost THIRTEEN games in a row save his job by winning his first game of the entire season?! How?! Regardless of Miami's final record after this season, they need to fire Cam Cameron and beg someone with football intelligence - like Nick Saban - to come back to their sorry program. That, and actually use their draft picks intelligently. Well, there's a lot of problems with Miami. Let's not get into it. They suck. James "Canadian" Black could be their mascot, even.

Perhaps even more amazing, Brian Westbrook had enough foresight to fall down at the 1-yard line instead of going in for the sure touchdown, so the Eagles could run out the clock without giving Dallas another shot.

Things I find amazing:
-Tony Romo is dating Jessica Simpson
-Tom Brady did not throw a TD Sunday
-The Eagles beat the Cowboys
-Bill Belichick smiled as he left the field Sunday against the Jets. What the hell? Is he taking mouth viagra?
-I scored a 71 on my Italian test. Solid Ecksteinian effort there! I wrote with tons of grit!

Things I don't find amazing:
-Brian Westbrook falling down at the 1-yard line against the Cowboys
-James "Canadian" Black's explanation of the afore-mentioned falling down.

Seriously, how can you call what Westbrook did "foresight"? Yes, the Eagles were then able to run out the clock and win the game. But, we're talking about a sure touchdown! Open field to the end zone, and an 11-point lead with 2 minutes and some-odd seconds left. Even if, if the Cowboys somehow managed to drive down the field and score, there's no play in the rules of football that's worth 11 points. This means that, regardless of what Dallas would have managed to do with the ball after getting it back, their best-case scenario at winning the game would be a TD with a converted 2-point play, a successfully recovered onside kick, and then a drive down the field (with absolutely no timeouts remaining, mind you) to set up the game-tying field goal and push the game into overtime. Even if all of these ridiculously improbable things happened, James "Canadian" Black, the game would still be tied. Tied! Tied means "nobody has lost yet, please keep playing." And with the way that Cowboys offense was playing, I doubt they could've even seen the first condition to completion, let alone gone on to win in overtime. While what Westbrook did isn't wrong, per se, I'd still take the sure-fire TD any day in a situation like that.

Does Brian Billick care to reiterate that he's staying put? Ultimately, Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti might strongly believe that Billick isn't most responsible for the team's eight-game losing streak, but how could he possibly tell himself "there's absolutely no better option" without at least exploring the matter?

Unless Bill Parcells or Bill Cowher decides to un-retire (AGAIN, in Parcells' case), there won't be a better option. Billick is an accomplished coach who took his team to a Super Bowl win in 2000, and last year had them standing at 13-3 and the second seed in the AFC playoffs. He's smart, he knows how to handle his players, and he's got a good sense of what it takes to succeed in the NFL. The Ravens may not be performing to expectations this year, but they need to get younger at several positions, and I don't doubt that once that happens, they'll be a good team again. Bisciotti would be a ludicrously dumb individual if he sacked Billick after this season - almost as ludicrously dumb as James "Canadian" Black!

Nice way the Falcons have of showing Bobby Petrino they're better off without him: 5 first downs, 133 total yards and 17:01 time of possession.

The funny thing about all of this is that it seemed more like the Falcons' way of showing everyone they were better off with Petrino, regardless of how many shots they took at him after he left. Let's see if Black touches on this!

Arthur Blank should hope his team never gets this riled up at someone's departure again.

He swings! He misses! Oh man, I felt the breeze on that one. James "Canadian" Black is just one strike-out from going down as the most ludicrously dumb writebatter in basewritingball history. What's basewritingball, you ask? A game I just invented that James "Canadian" Black apparently sucks at. Go figure.

Hmm, the next section of this article is titled "Please Explain..." This sounds fun!

Why commentators can't come up with something more insightful than, "Whatever team gets off to the best start today probably has the best chance of winning," as Rich Gannon said at the open of the Ravens-Dolphins clash.

Hey, I know this one! Maybe it's because both teams looked absolutely atrocious coming into this game, one having been losing - literally - all season, and the other in the middle of bottoming out, on a 7-game losing streak since starting 4-2. The commentators weren't dicking around when they said that, Black. Seriously, whichever craptacular team started off better Sunday did have the best shot of winning that loser-fest. Surprisingly, despite leading 13-3 at the half, Baltimore dropped this one. But that Matt Stover kick in OT came ever so close to going in! Also, with that, it's official - James "Canadian" Black sucks at basewriterball more than anybody else, even gritty, scrappy, spunky, determined, hardy, resilient David Eckstein!

How Panthers wide receiver Drew Carter is supposed to "do a better job of going back for the ball" – as an announcer asked – on a slant pattern with the defender shielding him.

The thing about this is, that's what wide receivers are taught to do. Coaches teach them that. So what the announcers were saying, James, was Drew Carter needed to do a better job of doing his job. I didn't see the play in question, but I assume the ball was thrown behind Carter, in which case he most likely should have altered his route, possible only unless it was a really bad throw, or the defender is holding him - which is a penalty in the NFL.

How the Patriots so successfully turn half the players on their roster into multi-positional threats? The latest example: wide receiver Kelley Washington blocking a punt that led to the Patriots' second and final touchdown.

Now James, this is actually a very simple concept, but because I know you're a little... well... dee dee dee, I'll lay it out in steps for you.

1. Read The Blueprint. It is, or at least tries to be, for football what Moneyball is for baseball. You could learn something from it.
2. Know this: On the New England Patriots, everyone plays special teams. Everyone. None of this "stars need special treatment so don't put them on the punt coverage team" crap. Everyone plays. Except maybe Tom Brady. He's the Golden Boy.
3. Kelley Washington is listed at 6' 3" on the New England Patriots' website. That's kinda freakin' tall. Not NBA tall, but a big guy for sure. That and his freakish wingspan, along with that thing I mentioned earlier that helped the Bucs - what was it? oh yeah, luck! - probably contributed largely to him blocking Ben Graham's punt.

How the referees missed Cowboys safety Ken Hamlin leaving his feet and spearing tight end Matt Schobel, who left the game with a head injury after the first-quarter collision.

Refs botch calls. It's been happening since -14,357 B.C. and it'll keep happening for a long-ass time. It happened in the Pats-Colts game, largely to the Colts' benefit and the nation largely ignored it. It happened in the Pats-Ravens game, largely to the Pats' benefit, and the nation as a whole pounced on the refs for "giving the game to the Patriots." We wish it would stop, James, but it won't.

What Tony Dungy and defensive coordinator Ron Meeks had to be thinking as they watched the Raiders go on a 20-play, nearly 12-minute, 99-yard touchdown drive in the first half.

"Holy shit, we're making them look like the fucking New England Patriots out there!" What were you expecting?

With the ball at their own 43, why the Raiders did not bring in JaMarcus Russell so he could heave one to the end zone to end the first half.

Sure, why not - bring in the greenhorn rookie to heave a likely INT into the other team's endzone. I mean, we could score, but them Indy DBs could just as easily bust the play and return it for a quick pick 6 to end the half. Makes sense to me!